Joke

[conno57]

Sad :P/>

[DeaniFLHT]

'Tis an old one that. 'Twas a bit funnier int' bad old days, when all cars had carbs, and drivers wore flat hats and goggles />

[Logosgil]

Ah but the oldies rule.

Two fish in a tank..one says 'how the **** do you drive this'





Unless you've better jokes......

[Logosgil]

Came home and the wife said 'tie me up and do what you want'

Did so and went golfing,

[0011728]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'If you're not sure what a 710 is look below

[0011728]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking

at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what

she'd like to have for her birthday.



'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of

Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He

put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the

Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.



Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling

and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he

ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.



Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,

M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,

what was it like being eight again?



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it

wrong.

[0011728]

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

?Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm??

?Because he was conceived during a mighty storm?, she said.

Then he asked ?Why is my sister named Cornflower??

?Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her?, she replied.

He then asked ?And why is my other sister called Moonchild??

?We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived?, the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son?

?Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?

[0011728]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were ?70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.?****** that? says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"



Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had ?1.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.



Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.



They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham ,

Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London :

Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.



The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn?t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the ****** thing!



Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter?, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.



Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!



A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."



Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"



Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.



19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"

Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."



An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat

[Logosgil]

**** me,no chance I'm readin all that!

[Logosgil]

For being to lazy to read

[conno57]

Craig VXR, on 26 January 2013 - 04:06 PM, said:
I'd be interested in that but do you get instructions for the assembly ? :P/>
And what about delivery />

[conno57]

Craig VXR, on 26 January 2013 - 05:29 PM, said:
Well I suppose one of my drivers would go and get it />
::/>

[Logosgil]

Not point 'sale ended'

Company went into liquidation

[conno57]

A skeleton walks into a pub and say's to the bar man can i have a pint of beer please and a mop!!

[Logosgil]

My humor is low